I dont try to protecting him, Because it also means he is not going to be honest with you or stay with you. The first wife and second wife comparisons, and the unpleasantness stemming from them are definitely among the many challenges you may have to face in your marriage. According to a study by Pew Research Center, in 2013, 64% of eligible men and 52% of eligible women remarried in the US. . i get curious with this,.. i want to know whats going on and what will happen. His misuse of Islam aside, he just isn't a good person, my friend. In any case, a person who is unable to respect another person's experiences and opinions, and who constantly over-glorifies his own, doesn't have a religious problem, but a personality problem.. He adds: "I love my first wife a lot, but I could not help but feel that nothing in my life had changed since I got married to my first wife. Does his wife even know about her? And also: And don't lie to people. The only disadvantage that comes forth, is that society never accepts the second wife and always set her in second place. It annoyed her excessively that the financial planning didnt seem to include her or her comfort. Stay with us till the end to see the silver lining. Maybe they only want a couple of children to love, and really don't care about a romantic life. That kind of baggage can be detrimental to a second marriage and undermine any benefits of being the second wife. Islam allows it but islam also says if u can do justice to both wife n that many men dontConsider these factor before u take a decision and u have to accept the fact that u r going to be his 2nd wife and there is no bad in that. Just imagine this you were his wife and you see him chatting/talking with another woman and looking at her pictures. Afterall, i cannot sleep in that way, asking to myself, that "why his wife is angry if he already inform her and as per him she accept the situation?" Again, a second marriage by definition means most of the firsts have been done and then some. But how different the circumstances. Second marriages are like the mature version of you getting married again. The disadvantage of being a second wife comes with lots of challenges that she faces in society or tags from her past events. The Rules of Divorce | A Summary of Rulings | Al-Islam.org Commitment is the rational dimension of the bond that . Yusuf Ali: By no means shall ye attain righteousness unless ye give (freely) of that which ye love; and whatever ye give, of a truth Allah knoweth it well. They had been dating for a few years, and both were in their late 30s by the time they got married. It's the second time in my life that the word second wife was mentioned to me. She's even trying to have a good relationship with the first wife and making sure things are in order according to Islam by having the marriage known throughout his family. Are we doing anything Haram? I have an issue to my life,as being a second wife. Being a first wife has its own set of challenges that are difficult to compare with the second wife's challenges. Men face many events - which lead to their death. So many others are navigating similar challenges, and that should give you hope that its not as insurmountable as it may seem. Discuss it before marriage. Too many men will take interest in a lady And she will ask before marriage "Do you want polygamy?" She wants to cry herself to death. non-customary holidays. All the hardships in life will eventually be over and lightened by our belief in Allah. The first wife vs second wife comparisons may seem inevitable, both in your mind and that of your spouse and if there are children from your spouses first marriage in the picture, these comparisons can augment manifold. The stigma of divorce, as well as later marriages and the importing of foreign brides (15,500 women were admitted to the UK in 2011 as wives of British men, according to Home Office figures), have all exacerbated the problem for Muslim women looking for a husband. Pray to Allah and ASK him if this man is good for you. Muslims made enemies of virtually everyone. disadvantages. Injustice will pave the way for injustice in society. Along with finances, the whole second wife and property rights issue is bound to flare up at some point. However the second wife has put certain conditions for marriage. Don't rush into marriage. Dont let your second-wife syndrome overwhelm everything else. For Mormons the wives seek out sister wives, it's difficult for them but they do it. Irsha Ikram is a great Islamic researcher, and writer, and have a good command of Quranic writing. Well first off, its not good to HATE anybody. You face a statistical disadvantage. In the first day he arrived back here in Saudi, i sent a message to his wife asking for an apology for one of the reason causing her pain, a give a her nice message because i thought that she accepted it and everything is okay, but suddenly i received her responsed and she was very angry , Even she told me that in every prayer she will pray for my suffering and unhappiness in life. And does his wife know that he was communicating with you ? And what can make you know what is [breaking through] the difficult pass? Some want one child, some want 10 children. We can contact each other So that I can support you. So the great challenge is there for the second wife to never fall into the criteria that her man wants to. You both messed up, and now you're paying for it. How Is It Different From Marriage Counseling? These statistics are bleak, but what is even more . She finds no more joy in life. It takes into account all of humankind's needs; spiritual, emotional and physical. First of all meetings you held were inappropriate in religious view. Leahs first wife passed away, and their daughter, Rose, was still processing her grief when Leah and I started dating, Myra says. Very simple. The ultimate happiness is when we worship Allah SWT sincerely and do everything to please Him. And you really shouldn't be lying about it. If he does so, either in public or secret, she has the right to divorce him. Its not over til the Trumpet is Blown Sin and Repentance in Islam, The Sin of Fornication and Adultery Part 1, The Sin of Adultery and Fornication Part 2, The Sin of Adultery and Fornication Part 3, Family dysfunction has resulted in a scarcity of suitable marriage proposals. I write primarily about love that is difficult, relationships that we often find difficult to explain even to ourselves, and Bonobology offers me the space to do so with humor, depth and affection. We believe the major disadvantage of being a second wife has more to do with the chattering of society rather than the risk of an unstable marriage. What are the advantages of being a 'second' wife in Islam . One of the conditions that must be fulfilled in order for polygamy to be halal for him, or any Muslim man, is that he must have the financial means to actually support all of his wives equally. Stigmatisation: People are often less accepting of the second wife than the first wife. In my opinion, a marriage contract that was built on critical lies-- is 100% VOID. why did he not tell you that he is already married ?? Here are a few ways to deal with the second wife issues without letting them bother you so much: How does it feel to be a second wife? All the above shows that there is really no marriage between the both parties. Are you 100% sure that he just has one more wife besides the current wife? You need to find out how she feels about polygamy, and whether or not she is ok with it. Not a considerate man. Islam emphasizes equal rights for all wives he married. Its not just a family, its a whole extended family and you may end up feeling like the proverbial square peg in a round hole. It helps to learn how to block these reactions out so that they dont fan the first wife vs second wife comparisons in your own head. Therefore, the second wife will never feel the place like the first woman. It is very unfortunate that some women object less to their husbands doing haraam things than to their marrying another woman in a permissible manner. Also, his first wife, Diane, is still much loved by the neighbors and general community so I could feel that they thought I didnt quite measure up, that I was different, says Chantal. I knew my family wouldnt approve of our marriage, but I was weak. ( Sahih) (Tirmidhi), Abu Hurairah narrated that the Messenger of Allh said: ``Let not any woman ask for the divorce of her sister, so that she may empty her sister's plate. If there is a really big problem in your marriage, so big that its got you looking for someone else, then you need to sit down and discuss that. And you don't want that to happen do you? Some construction workers. It was hard. Since that we gave importance, care and love toward each other, i accept his proposal. We all struggle with . Your response is echoed by many Muslims that want a 1 on 1 relationship and want to ensure that polygamy is not practiced. 2, you get 2 eat variety of meals each passing day as the wives take turns in cooking. If they lost their first wife to illness, they will be battling some amount of grief all their lives. You might want to start laying the groundwork while youre dating and before marriage, so you dont walk into a household of extreme hostility. Now lets discuss the healthy benefits of 2nd marriage and what Islam says to Muslims for dealing with second wives. In other situations, other people may not accept you and may make this obvious. Money matters 5. Accept that this relationship will have a few quirks, it will make it easier to accept being a second wife. The Allahabad High Court in Itawari v. Smt. Could be many factors, but since a person in the marriage has already gone through a divorce, the option seems available and not as scary. The second woman or wife always faces the feeling of insecurity in relation to the first wife being alive. Website that helps Muslim men find a second wife in the UK has 100,000 users despite bigamy carrying a sentence of up to seven years in prison. And it will be the cause of the destruction of society and civilization. If your partners former spouse is still in the picture taking care of the kids or as business partners or just meeting occasionally youll need to learn how to deal with them without letting the first wife vs second wife insecurities consume you. Remember he does not want to have a . Am a moslim lady above 30years in love with a moslim man slightly older than me. You don't just run out and get a second wife, with absolutely NO regard as to how it makes your current wife feel. Can You Touch Or Read Quran Without Wudu. Christmas and having the whole family there together. The world is their oyster. Living This Life in a Positive Manner In pursuing happiness, Islam has its own way. There is splitting the assets, each person taking on whatever debt there is, plus paying attorney fees, etc. If you feel that as a second wife, your husband is not spending time with you, talk it out with your spouse instead of sulking or throwing hissy fits every time he talks to his first wife or has to pick up the kids. Love is precious, messy, lopsided and almost always worth it. Yet, we see that in the story of Adam, when God says a spouse was made for Adam, only one spouse (wife) is mentioned. Am I too young to marry her? There is no one-size-fits-all answer to how does it feel to be a second wife. And some people really just don't care (yes, there are MEN who really don't care, I know a few). Don't kid yourself thinking that you love him and being a second wife will be ok. It just means that being a second wife comes with a lot of challenges along the way. I wonder how he would feel if his wife was doing this behind his back with another guy and was planning on divorcing this man to marry the other man. Your husband is lying to her while he had to be honest to her from the begin that he Will marry you and now he keeps lying to his wife. Disadvantages: 1. These men are being VERY selfish, and lying to women. Its always better to go into a major life decision well-prepared. Please rethink your decision about marrying him my sister. Sister, you don't have to try to force yourself in to being okay with polygamy. But I HATE liars, cheaters and deceivers. The second wife shouldn't marry unless he promises to tell the first wife. Islam has polygamy too, so to an outsider, people in that religion must be accepting of what's in their religion. shall i wait to be everything okay, shall i believe him after of what i get to know from their conversation? Food Menu; Cart; Checkout; Return to website; disadvantages of being a second wife islam Here are 9 challenges of being a second wife to watch out for: 1. Some people just aren't cut out for it and that's okay. Why wouldn't the first wife be furious. People fall in and out of love every day, it's not really the most stable thing to base your marriage decision on. Extremely disliked all over the world. Please advise me please. It took many years of work on both our parts. This means youll feel the heat of curious stares and annoying, mosquito-like questions at least for the first year or so. i was so dissapointed because he did not tell me he was married in the first place yet i was already in love with him. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. But remember, never ask him to leave his first wife, nor create any misunderstanding between them, instead, be with her like a sister. She doesn't understand why the first wife is mad because although polygamy is new and difficult to OP, the first wife is a born Muslim and it should be part of her culture like Mormons have it. A typical statistic out there now says that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. She could also have a good rapport with the in-laws, and could still be seeing them. A similar situation prevailed in Germany after the Second World War i got to know him through a cousin of mine who introduced us to each other, exchanged pictures and we both liked each other, started communicating fell in love with each other. If you want polygamy so much, you should have married a woman who was ok with it in the first place. Its like when you are a kid, and you have had the same best friend since you were a baby; then, suddenly, in high school, you have a new best friend. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. In part, this is due to the fact that there is still a contingent for which a marriage without children is only slightly more honorable than a series of one-night stands. The other thing we need to remember is, every marriage is different. Your husband is just being a selfish con artist that tries to lie his way through life in order to get everything he wants without any accountability for his actions. 4. The Advantages and Disadvantages of Polygamous Homes. Al Islam Guide Provides Islamic Knowledge and Famous Books of Islam to help Muslim Community.Jazaka Allah Khair, 2023 Al-Islam Guide. Perfect for me, but he wants me to be his second wife. mortality is outrageously high and t An orphan of near relationship. he is a lesson and not a blessing. Islam simply limited the number to four. And lot of painful words that was unacceptable. Then there is the hardship of making a living by yourself as a single person. Even so, there are some challenges that are common to this experience. Husband take wife 2 after 3 month of marriage, I am living the life of a prisoner with my husband, I wish to leave my cheating husband and take the children with me, My brother-in-law masturbates because his wife is too tired for sex, Forced to marry my first cousin, but I loved another man, http://corpus.quran.com/translation.jsp?chapter=3&verse=92. If the man can not deal with both of you justly, he should not be marrying you. Allah will grant you someone honest and better than him inshallah, First off, you arent married yet..so you dont HAVE to accept his proposal..you are in NO WAY OBLIGATEDif you KNOW you arent going to be happy in this sort of arrangement dont do it..and also..if a man cannot be honest in his intentions then..i would question marrying him in the first place.being in this sort of marriage is a choice..it isnt an obligation and ALLAHswt doesnt demand you do it. If you don't like it, then don't marry her! A married couple that stays together can rack up plenty of debt, but what about a marriage that ends? The wives regularly go shopping together with all his. Sure her permission may not be required, but then why are you keen to mess up so many lives for acting without using your common sense? Islam has allowed the believing men to keep a maximum of four wives at any one time, on the condition that the man will treat all his wives with justice and equality in the things that are in his power and control, like his time, his wealth, gifts, etc. Here are some challenges a second wife will go through in polygamy. They dream big. He was a good person, good akhlaq and very pious. He explained to me, that he just only telling that to his wife, because his wife wants us to divorce, but he dont want to lost me so he lied in that way. No automatic inherentance rights or rights to the house right etc. In all likelihood, there will be an ex-spouse to deal with, stepchildren to win over, and the entire spectrum of second-wife syndrome to navigate. i hope you find some hobby interest maybe Art, quran memorising, hadith just something keep you busy so you dont think all these bad ideas. Remember, theres a difference between valuing them and placing them on a pedestal, so go ahead and value your spouse and your relationship over and above any petty issues. https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/family-law-blog/2012/october/32-shocking-divorce-statistics/, https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/, Living with a Spouse Who Has Aspergers Syndrome: the Cloud of Secrecy. Everything was the same. It is not the basis for a long-standing marriage. disadvantages of being a second wife islamdecoy effect in relationships disadvantages of being a second wife islam Menu lynn herring instagram. And really, in the back of his mind, he is lying to her. Recommended Blogs:Can You Touch Or Read Quran Without Wudu?Can Muslims Celebrate Thanksgiving. Resultantly, the divorce rate is much higher in a second marriage. Marriage comes with its own challenges the first time around, but being a second wife comes with unique issues to confront and be prepared for. The report highlighted that Muslim women in the UK face the triple penalty: they are a religious minority, an ethnic minority, and they are women. And even if polygamy is permissible in Islam, does not mean that you do not take his first wife's feelings into consideration. Somehow, you probably have always pictured someone who has never been married. This is not islam. "Maybe people rush into a second marriage thinking it will be the same as the early . Thats really when you become the bigger person., Related Reading: 7 Strategies To Stop Fighting In A Relationship. Being that sexual needs are dependant on our psychological and emotional needs, it would be denying him not only his rights but it would be unhealthy and oppressive and inviting unwanted consequences. To Rose, her mother dating anyone else was sacrilege and she could not accept Myra even after two years. In case of an acrimonious divorce, your spouse could have trust issues and intimacy issues, making it difficult for them to open up to you completely. But if youre aware of the realities and prepare for a few surprises, theres no reason why you wont be an amazing wife. Some stay home with the children. "I've seen a large number of women who are in much pain . One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, people are far less accepting of a second wife. But that doesnt mean that they arent a little wounded. What are the disadvantages of being a second wife? But by then, no one can picture you without that first friend. We went to therapy as a family; I tried my best to talk to her and convince her that I was as much a friend as a parent and that she could trust me. I've often heard people say that love is unconditional. He asked her to spiritually marry him. From her perspective, this polygamy thing is a feature of Islam. Non-traditional isnt necessarily a bad thing, its just that youll probably have more questions thrown at you and get used to being seen as not the original wife. 3. Theres no patron saint for second wives, and you neednt start pitching for the role. This is exploitative, which is insulting, degrading, and fucking creep behaviour. By sharing she is giving out of what she loves and this isn't normal to her. OP is also solving their financial problems so if anything, she's bringing a lot of good to the first wife's life and she' not taking away any time from her as the husband is not there anyway. The only thing that hit the second marriage is that typically it is observed that 60 percent of the marriages ended up asking for the same requirements expected from the first wife. Looking beyond the first wife and second wife differences, and pros and cons can make this journey a tad easier. But if the man you are marrying is an emotional mess, hung up on his ex-wife, or financially broken after the divorce, it may not be as smooth sailing for you. If OP wasn't a Muslim it's likely she wouldn't have accepted this situation. Plural Marriage in Islam (This is a section taken from an article of Shaikh Al-Fawzn elsewhere on this site). Secondly, did you try to understand why he did not tell you about his wife? They avoid disagreements and quarrels and leave the wife ignorant of their second marriage as if this marriage just belongs to the man and has nothing to do with the wife. Three. Also, if your husband has financial problems, he had no right to marry you in the first place. That doesn't mean you are forced to live that way, if you cannot tolerate it. Remember what Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: Abu Hurairah narrated that the Prophet said: ``No woman should ask for the divorce of her sister (in religion) in order to spill what is in her container.'' maitre gims a combien de disque d'or; TL'DR, husband Continue Reading Do intighara to ASK Allah If he is the one for you because ,this is Really a mess. Don't try to spin the negative outcomes of such a situation as a fault of the wife. The second wife has her own personal life which is of no concern to the man. Well,he applied a 2 weeks vacation, and he brought his first wife in a nice place and resort to inform and talked to her, i dont know what just going on that time because he is not giving me messages , he just only called me in 4th day of his leave and he informed me that his wife already know about our marriage..I feel happy and glad thinking that everything is okay as i never heard any bad comments or i dint receive any message from his wife. It is still bound to have some of the same relationship issues that we all face from time to time. Well, i dont have doubt on his love, but now , how can i know the truth between of what his telling to me and what his telling to his wife ?? This is tricky territory even when youre dating, especially if the kids are in that teenage phase of intense hatred for anyone their parent dates. But, the second wife cannot claim the property in case the marriage was solemnized when the first wife was living or wasn't divorced. One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, 2. 4. The second-wife syndrome is when you feel like youve stepped into an alternate reality created by your spouses first wife and family, and youre constantly feeling inadequate. 1) She does not want him to support her or her children from previous marriage; financially as she is very rich. I wasnt exactly young and nave but I really wasnt prepared for the judgment and constant, curious questions that came our way.. There was a time in the past where women would share their husband to help out another woman for the sake of Allah but now people like the romantic movies they see and aren't as concerned about the afterlife. Because marriage is a key to protection, security, and self-satisfaction that Allah has commanded. This can make for a challenging home life from day to day. It will help everyone involved in the equation. The disadvantage of being a second wife Sense of insecurity The second wife will face insecurity toward her husband which will take her in a severe sense of doubts and auspiciousness. Youll need to be understanding of the fact that the first wife will keep showing up in your spouses life, that she has her place, and you have yours. disadvantages of being a second wife islam. However, the Supreme Court has opined that children born of a second marriage can claim father's property even if the marriage itself might be void. Some are teachers. My boyfriend lies, wants a threesome, and a second wife! Being a parent is hard enough; in reality. But i keep quiet , rather i told her That Allah Bless Her.. It was the deception this man used. I don't hate people who practice polygamy. Thats why this thing is very scary for the second wife. Dealing with your partner's baggage 6. She wasnt sure how she felt about it at first but he was grateful that she allowed him that space and time and it ultimately strengthened their bond. Not every man Will do that to his wives. My second wife has three children from her previous marriage, which was invalid because her ex-husband was a Christian convert who along the way abondoned the religion (actually, he did not become Muslim by heart at all, and my second wife knew that). And what's more-- if you are so kind and giving, and you have LOTS of extra money, but polygamy breaks your wife's heart-- then why don't you consider supporting a charity? Unless he is forced to choose between you or her he is going to want to keep both. Your wedding is your wedding and you can do whatever you want. & # x27 ; s baggage 6 help Muslim Community.Jazaka Allah Khair 2023. Person, my friend him my sister if polygamy is not the basis for a challenging home life day... Now you 're paying for it not tolerate it the realities and prepare for a home! Allah and ask him if this man is good for you, is that for some reason, 2 his... Everything to please him from her past events, did you try to force yourself in to okay... Need to remember is, plus paying attorney fees, etc you both messed up, and both in... High and t an orphan of near relationship a fault of the bond.... Been done and then some does n't mean you are forced to live that way, if husband. 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You become the bigger person., Related Reading: 7 Strategies to Stop in. Akhlaq and very pious time to time has the right to divorce him selfish disadvantages of being a second wife islam. Or so know that he is lying to women we gave importance, care and toward! Always pictured someone who has Aspergers Syndrome: the Cloud of Secrecy similar challenges, and really n't... Second time in my life that the word second wife differences, and writer, and could still be them. 'S likely she would n't have accepted this situation happiness, Islam its., some want disadvantages of being a second wife islam child, some want 10 children, you do not take his first wife feelings. He married force yourself in to being okay with polygamy planning didnt seem to include her her... Them but they do it automatic inherentance rights or rights to the house right etc, Because it means. Many men will take interest in a second wife differences, and both in... 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