confronting my wife's lover

I want vengeance but everytime I seriously think about confronting her, I remember that I need her to stay with her poor cuckold of a husband so she wont be completely available. He came home to me / us every night anyway, I reached out in a way to let her know that I now know. Will your spouse take your side? I want to stay married. Normally, when someone comes in asking what I think about talking to the affair partner I tell them, "Don't!" My wife has been acting very strangely, very distant over the last month, saying that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from life. After 3 years, I still cant sleep and I think a healthy man to man is in order. My wife claimed she had told him this already. Husband and I still under same roof but were separated in the process of fully separating. What advice do you have for those us whom dont seek them, they seek us BS? You have to know who you are and what you can handle. I'm far away from all of that now. You deserve better. And i would assume a great many of things as well. My wife will even marry the man. Shes in LOVE with him. Will confronting the other person force your spouse to make a decision? I want to slap you! If he has a lover aside from me, it is his cup of tea. He naturally attributed the initiative in the affair to my wife, while she attributes it to him, but how can I decide who's accurate about that? My candid answer is no. Don't play your hand that you *know* about the other man. There was little animosity because time has passed but now I see her as a pitiful creature, a habitual affair partner who cheated on the guys she was having affairs with even though they thought it was just them. Everyone has their own style of conflict, which they tend to rely on when faced with an unexpected confrontation. Taking this type of approach usually achieves the best results in the long run (see should I confront my spouses lover). You know what says "you are beneath contempt"? The person I need to confront is my spouse. He denied it at first but when faced with the undeniable evidence I presented to the pastor he confessed, said he was sorry (to the pastor - never to me or my wife) for what he had done, and that was that. Anyway , He did lie about most everything that I ask about and said he couldn't remember any details . of the situation. I know I dont have to explain the devastation here. It always does. All rights reserved. Do not tell her how you know. Convince her to quit cheating, and work on the marriage? got angry when I discovered you 2 were friends. It's an exercise in futility. File for divorce dude. Difficult as it is, you MUST keep your feet grounded, and your head and heart on a tight leash. situation and it may even complicate matters (as mentioned above). So he knows hes had what I call his fling. My H is pursuing healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives. We've been together for 7 years and while we've only been married a year to me she is my soulmate. She was able to show me the lengthy texts, videos etc of them and even pics of her being in our home together. What is your deal? Whats wrong with you? Leave the wife and go away its her fault to have her lovers all together. Get rid of her you dont need Does that make any difference? So if I can get another side of the story straight from a source then why not?! Youre both confused about what you want and need time for your own life. Are you sure it's a councillor not a solicitor? I have to wait for a half year. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. When you say something like that, people dont question your reasoning. My lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. Many of them come specialized in the art of 'spousal cheating', and would be more than happy to render their services and time to you, for a fee which is reasonable. 1. So so arrogant. It's all kibbles. This single decision that you take to hire a PI, is going to save you so much time, heartache, and even money in the long run. Their love cannot be denied. After all her submitting to your needs and providing for you is words she herself said she would do upon agreeing to marrying you. makes your wife really central. albertdexter, July 5, 2011 in Infidelity. No kids? Don't participate in this humiliating game. I feel like I have been run over by a train. The night before he dashed out, I found the log of his chat exchanges with her and confronted him. This was in June of 2017 . Expose the affair to her family. I attempted to make him feel guilty for treating my wife like a cheap tramp and explained to him that, unlike him, I loved her and would take care of her., etc., etc., etc. When she discovered more evidence of me, he told her I was obsessed with him and wouldn't leave him alone. This article will help you to prepare, be effective, and avoid conflict. Who would spend their life picking scraps of attention (albeit good attention). If you need more information about the affair(s), hire a private investigator or become a computer snoop. But today, one year later, her comments still haunt me, I won't lie. Wow. Because my husband is a LIAR and I don't believe a word he says. Almost a year later, I believe she is giving up. And I'm glad to say that we've made great progress in healing. @manup I'm not sure how I can proceed without telling her, surely that is the next step to confront her about the affair. I hope it infuriates her. He was shaking for our entire conversation and got the message. I suppose she didnt give you the respect you deserve in that manner so Ill pick up and if youve got any questions for me nows the time to ask.". Sounds like you handled things like a lady. I thought she was not worth my time! Its 3 years post D day next week and this is the one thing that has left me stuck! Have you watched those recovery programs? My husband had a long term, intense emotional affair with a woman at work. Did you try marriage counseling? To what purpose ? If you want to join them, that I can undetstand. Do you realy think you are going to change her behaviour Or is this how your mar Do not upset the poor girl. I recently discovered my husband of 19 years had been involved in an 8 month long affair with a co worker from an other town 7 hours away. First, she says she broke things off with her lover and wanted to know if there was any possibility of reconciliation. In her own words, she is having the 'best of both worlds'. If she wants to end the relationship why doesn't she tell me? Never. By I feel so much better hearing you say that it makes them feel insignificant as that is exactly what I wanted to convey to her. Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. @PegNosePete wise words, and it seems I am indeed in the bargaining phase, although I still can't believe this is happening, up until recently we were so happy (or so I thought). During the affair, my husband's AP got close to my in-laws (my FIL and his wife--my MIL is deceased) and convinced them that I am abusive and controlling and that my husband had been miserable our entire 24-year marriage. Meanwhile Im constantly told not to confront and just deal with it. Ill be stooping low to confront his lover in public Kemi Faleye. Copyright 2004 I plan to confront him when this happens, for me. If I confront him, we might end up fighting and it will be a disgrace to my children and family. He had told me he and his wife were not in love and were not intimate anymore hadn't been for years. No response this time. I don't mean to be doom and gloomand I'm not going to call you a whimp or any other such nonsensebut I would seriously suggest that you keep this all in mind when you try to decide on your goal. with his or her lover? I Literally just gave birth to his child and we live together. Confronting her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and my husband. This was 1.5 years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her. Confronting a cheating spouse is an opportunity for making things better. 3. Expose the affair to the OM's wife or girlfriend 4. Because she will turn the tables on you and claim she can't trust you because you snooped. That's for myself. She does not deserve the recognition. After he reached out to my wife months later (apparently feeling brave after a few months), I told his wife. If they can, then at least give it another chance. He wanted change, but instead of fixing the problems, he tried the easy way out. It was against my religion, but I had no choice. We found out that my wife was just one of at least a dozen other women he had affairs with and his wife was going to confront all of them face to face. You deserve much better than this. Incontrovertible proof. Before that happens, you need to serve her the papers. I made my vowels to him, not them, dont owe them anything. God knows IT HAD TO HAPPEN! I wanted his Staff to see the character of the man they worked for and the pain caused to our family by him and her. Marriages are based on open communication, trust, and a common goal. Every now and then she reaches out to my husband, every time it really upsets me. Click to opt-out of Google Analytics tracking. I still feel like I did the right thing by exposing him to his family and his church, but the real issue was my wife; he was just a symptom. her that I felt there was no possible path forward for us- that divorce was the only option. She took that opportunity to contact my husband looking for him to get me to leave her alone. Im often thinking of her and what I would say to her or even her husband, and I hope that reading your reply and Ricks post will help me to gently stop these thoughts as well. It didnt seem to bother her that he was lying to her - she just said what fun he must be having sleeping with us both. After my husband joined me at our new home in Nevada, she sent me messages under a fake name, at the same time sending him a cascade of messages which he ignored. I forwarded her all the voicemails he had left me, begging me to see him, telling me how much he loved me and needed me. Give your wife a sweet hug when she leaves for office. Last week, while I was at the credit union, I ran into one of our online course Group Leaders; we were discussing one of my recent articles. Then watch her deny, deny, deny then when you don't budge, she'll begin to trickle truth about the other man, and then will come her crocodile tears. @Bronco thanks for your very detailed response, I appreciate the time you've taken and advice you've given me. The best way to handle this is for both of you yo say that you love each other, but neither of you are happy. much easier to start than they are to stop. Not sure I agree with this. I wound out about the affair about one month after he died. Think about yourself man, it's all you can do. If you have no one and just want to vent, please send me a message and I will listen to all you want to say on skype. She was dumped by him when their 4.5 year double life came out by way of a wrongly sent text to me from my partner. Truthfully, if I had found out while he was still alive I would have asked him what actually happened. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. I dont think she really wants to be married to me at all. I have waited a year and have given it a lot of thought. My wife has been mishandling the truth as of late and I want to help you if I can. Good luck. These symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state of their mind. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account). I think we have to clear the air. I have absolutely no intention of pointlessly spreading misery to other people. And play this role like you would bag a freaking oscar for your performance. It was helpful to me that I went into the marriage all those years ago with the attitude that I would not unnecessarily squander our marriage if he failed to live up to the commitment. I ended up contacting her AP's pastor (long story) just so I could expose him for the narcissist he is. If they cant give you that promise, you really dont have much to work with. The pain seemed impossible to bear, but I am thankful to God for walking me through every second of it! Out of embarrassment, your spouse may grow defensive and try to minimize the problem or may even try to shift blame for his or her actions to you: There wouldnt be a problem if you werent so paranoid. Because of the unpredictability of confrontation, many spouses choose not to confront, even after they have seen early warning signs. She woman would rather call the police and have me slapped with a warning THAT WILL show up on enhanced criminal record checks for life than have a conversation with me. I don't think that is a path you want to go down, unless you want to be a cuckold husband. First of all, even if he did say these things, (which he claims he didn't, but who knows the truth) how could you look your married lover's wife, one who just lost a much wanted pregnancy, straight in the eye and make these claims to her? Its wrong for me to engage her lover in afight in public. Isnt that the sh*t? Confronting her would only make matters worse and it can tarnish not only my reputation but also harm my marriage. If, however, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, this wont work. I was 6 months married when I discovered that my H had been unfaithful with a work colleague. Not that she showed any real interest in reconciliation anyway. Don't hector, beg, or argue. He may feel obligated to listen to her complain about you. My wife of almost 35 years told me she had had an affair with her boss and my friend almost 30 years ago. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. We had been together for 6 years, and gradually he had grown less interested in romance. I'll never know for sure. I didn't want any details from the AP - he was 15 years older, weak, and very unattractive. It still hurts and I need to move on. Usually, it helps to think about what it is you really want to achieve and then devise a strategy that is ethical, honest, and non-confrontational. She likes attention and drama. Things will change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask. At some point my FIL will pass away and I'm sure the AP will show up at the funeral. I never responded to her message..it must have sent her crazy as for Xmas she sent us a card with attached positive pregnancy test (certainly one bought on EBay!) When you have a PI on your corner, he will ask you to stop shadowing her or tinkering with her email etc. Leave it up to her to decide what to tell her family. You NEED to have an intimate support in your life, Im not meaning romantically, but someone to talk with on a deeply personal level. ]com), one First, you must prepare yourself to deal with the situation in a mature manner and you If you are going through it, I wish you faith, hope, and persistence. But you are still a father. This is easy. I have been in a similar situation like this before. I sent it to his Dr.s office. I know that sometimes in marriage distractions can set in. Have your lawyer write a no contact letter. My wife affaired waaay down. Worked in my case, but I get why you'd advise against it. E. There are better women out there. You might delude yourself into thinking you need to talk with the affair partner for reconnaissance purposes. What if you should meet up with her by chance? He was visibly shaking during the encounter and when he cried to my wife she then saw him as pathetic. You're nuts. If they both stay married, maybe they will think harder the next time they are tempted to relapse. The storm has passed, the boat is in tatters but still serviceable, its time to make port and see what can be done. I had the same thing happen to me and I was polite and cordial and couldn't get out of Dodge fast enough . Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Just Wow. He was suspicious of her acts but never in his wildest of dreams he had thought that situation could be this much worse. I would like to think I'd be strong enough to walk past my UH AP one day without giving her any expression of emotion or time of day. You are wondering if she will get banged by that dude today or not. Haven't you suffered enough? I greeted him Wow I never thought to think of it like this. If you are dealing with a specific problem, please see ask an Back to my story: I contacted the AP in order to gain insight. My wife says the affair lasted two months and they never had sex, but I don't believe she is being truthful with me about that. I had no expectation from her, this was purely for me, to release me from harbouring the bitterness that I knew was taking root in my heart. Meredith, I've been married for six years to the love of my life. I will not confront her. Your loving wife is not a seasoned serial cheaterat least not as yet. Thanks for listening. Sleep in the #%(^ing middle. What you will be going through is denial, bargaining, depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, etc. I'm hoping to be able to see the AP one day with no reaction. I agree with this article but sometimes the choice is taken from you. break off all contact with you till I was informed. If the other person is in the dark about the nature of your relationship with your spouse, it may help to confront him or herthus creating awareness that you are going to put up a fight and that you love your There is no need for me to confront my spouses lover in public. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. roll out! So while you may have an I did send his ex wife (she was married to him at the time of the affair) confirming that he and my wife had had an affair. I believe my healing restarted every other day. I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! I'm sure it is but you can't be thinking so emotionally, think logically for your own sake. You are too feeble minded to comprehend this. He is so right and thank you for helping me to accept that. Angry, you bet! We've turned a page. Thanks everyone for your advice, this is really helping me - I think this is what I needed - a bit of a slap! I dont have any business with the man. You will now need to get tested for STD's as well as your wife. You! I found I could not be away from him for even a few days or my anxiety was through the roof. What you thought was your world is actually not the truth at all. We verbalize happy and unhappy and we talk more. Doing that wouldnt make a difference Eseiegbe Efe. There is no way Im going to her workplace HR department about this, and to the extent I can avoid it, I dont want this to screw up her relationships with her family either- I do still care deeply about her and her family members, who Ive grown quite fond of over the years, and it would break my heart to see her alienated from her family. I need him to know for me. I find knowing this makes life decisions much easier. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, documented this experience in previous posts, 4 Loving Things Unhappy Husbands Should Do INSTEAD Of Cheating, 6 Signs You're In Love With A SERIOUS Narcissist (And How To Deal), 50 Absolutely Perfect 'I Love You' Quotes That NAIL True Love, Was Your Ex Insane? A person who doesnt live in reality. They are weak individuals- who would choose to be anyones leftovers? Now I can see a better, clearer picture and I feel relieved and disappointed at the same time. On the one hand, by confronting her my husband finally realized what he was dealing with. But a ship is not built to last, it it built to endure. A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? D-Day was 7 years ago - we're still together but things will never be the same. She said it's over, but I know it's not. He is committed, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake. Dude, you need to calm down, relax completely, and get your emotions under TOTAL control. I would not want something like that to happen. *Love. How do I confront her? Do EVERYONE a favor and don't have kids until this is resolved. 2018 Truth About Deception, Examples of contacting the other person . It was a confusing, emotional and destructive time in my life, to say the least. Obviously, she has her own demons to battle. Ogun workers suspend strike after four days, Our correspondents went to town to sample the opinions of married couples to know if they would publicly confront individuals suspected of having affair with their spouses, My husband is the one Ill talk with -Rachael Olawode. And she had the nerve to complain that I was harassing her, because I kept asking her to stop contacting us. Everything went down just like the post mentioned. I choose not to indulge or become a part of the negativity in the world. She asked about certain dates, where we went, what movies we saw together. How to Deal With a Lying Spouse. It would be good if you both didnt yell anyone what had happened. We had a 'good' conversation during which I was even vulnerable enough to weep. Theyre the chumps, they made their choices and have to live with them. So, I dunno, I think it's a case by case scenario. He was extremely untrustworthy at this time, I felt I needed to hear it from her. I also wonder if her husband is still taking lovers and spending his days lying to all the women who hold him in their arms. She had actually called me several times over the course of the affair. You will have to remind yourself everytime you feel that negative feeling, that it is just the grieving cycle. I finally wised up, about the time I found AR, and just blocked her and her daughter completely. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Most men would give up in that amount of time or relapse. It's been so surreal to have been surrounded in prayer by our church friends for the healing of our marriage and to have so much support, and then my husband's own family trying to destroy the marriage we're working so hard to put back together. But the biggest reason not to confront the affair partner? We CAN FINALLY move forward! I went knowing I was suicidal, and lived like I was dying, and it was the best part of my life. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. Blessings to all the betrayed out there. Don't get me wrong, he is ultimately to blame, as he made the commitment to me, but she really showed her true colors which made it easier for him to pull out of the affair fog. D. If she cheated on you she doesn't love you. The power will get transferred to you, while she thinks she has played you like a fiddle. Focus on your self esteem and your strengths and the strengths of your relationship with your wife. I'm sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the way up since we were discussing infidelity and different ways to respond. He called our home (caller ID) and asked for some auto parts store then played it like a wrong number. You will get through this. That is the time when she would come crawling to you. Your wife is either going to fuck him and leave you, or fuck him and continue cheating on you. The suggestions I offer come from a real life situation wherein the husband out thought, outsmarted, and out maneuvered his cheating wife completely turning the tables on her. She has stayed in the house and kept all his memories for my children and now grandchildren, pays for trips with my daughter and grandchild with her million dollar inheritance. Revealing Affair to Affair Partners Spouse, I never got the chance to confront my wife's affair partner, Bedside Forgiveness: When Death Coincides With Infidelity, Betrayal Trauma: How We Get Stuck in Trauma Bonds. The law states that if you contact somone more than one time and they don't want to her from you because it makes them feel uncomfortable or bad about themselves it can be looks at as a " course of conduct" and you can be issued a warning. As you already admitted, given the situation find yourself in, your self confidence is broken, you can not think straight, and your mind is just going crazy trying to make sense of it all. All Rights Reserved. Ive accepted things and Ive moved on completely. I messaged them and asked if they wouldn't mind speaking to me. Frustration at the way life still keeps going, with the unrelenting job and bills and everything else, when I really just need a pause for a while so I can deal with this. I agree with this article. His wife pleaded with me to not contact him until she could serve him with the divorce papers because being a very high profile person in our small town that if word got out it would ruin his reputation and he would have no reason to sign the papers that would have meant a very large settlement to her. Each person has to make their own decisions, but I hope you don't cause yourself any more pain. I did exactly that.ignored the AP. She hasn't. As a result we dont talk, perhaps this is for the better.why do I need two faced people around me and my children. Maybe there'll be a duel! This is just a new beginning. Your mind will be torn when you are at work, thinking if your loving wife is on her knees someplace right at that moment waiting to orally satisfy that guy. At 1 year? Hold on for two months. THAT was my mistake. She went bonkers, completely Fatal Attraction, and I was so glad that my pets and myself were 2,000 mile away. In fact, it's a natural, self-protective response. The thing is, you WILL get through this. I consider doing that an immature action. Trying to get them to "get it" is futile. As soon as I told her, she didnt deny it, and soon acknowledged it. Again he didn't reply. Your son, any pets, and yourself. Do you have a general question youd like to ask? However, when I couldnt get a strait answer from her about what type of relationship you and her have I felt a bit unwelcome and left out. She'll use your snooping as her defence oldest play in the cheater's handbook. You dont even have to think about when and how you should confront her, as you are doing now. I feel that it is great that you do the same . Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. Some people respond by backing down, some people respond by attacking, and some people will try to avoid the confrontation Your confrontation is fresh conversational content for your husband and his affair partner. Not as bad as you, but I do fell your pain. I have no way to know though, because I can't even confront the guy.
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